I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
