A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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