We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's the barista slut.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
