I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
