I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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