I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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