At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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