I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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