You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
