All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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