I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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