if you like me you must not know who I am
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
