it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
