my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
