I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
