i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
