The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
