Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
