i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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