you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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