it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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