Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
