Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My breasts were aching with rage.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
