I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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