I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
