I seem to have left my pride at pride
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I currently don't understand fingers.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
