i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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