i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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