I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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