Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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