My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
