A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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