the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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