as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
