You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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