Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This baby is an asshole
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
