Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
