Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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