I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Vodka?
Forever.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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