I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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