ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
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I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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