i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
