The maid of honor just puked.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
