they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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