Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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