Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
