just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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