Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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