Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
