I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
