plz talk dirty to me
I wish my penis had an off switch
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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