Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
