her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
