I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
