i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
3 2 1 whiskey
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
