This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
