If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
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one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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