eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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