Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
