I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
