I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
