The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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