i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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